Carpe Diem

Please!

Stop teasing my poor little brain!

You tell me you’re in the tub, you tell me your stubble is growing back, and you tell me all these silly things and oh my god.

I really need to stop blogging about how badly I want to fuck you. Seriously. My lobido needs a shot in its fucking foot. 

Okay, FUCK. 

I just wan to pin you down, rip your sexy ass clothes off and fucking fuck you. Yes. Fuck your god damn brains out so hard that you WILL cum.  

I don’t know why, but every time I see you, I just want to fucking rape you. No joke. Won’t you please let me fuck you?

Really. It’s not fair when I see you in your button up shirts, hats and boots and gloves and see you working on the festival site. God, damn, you have no idea how  much that makes me want you.  Like. Seriously. And when you’re in costume/armor? My God, I need to restrain myself. 

So won’t you please allow me to fuck you senseless?

Pulling back

I believe I, once again, got caught up in the world and lost sight of who I am. I don’t know why I get into these little tiffs, but I don’t like it. What I do makes me appear childish, needy, angry, and hurtful.   I want to show my romantic side, I want to show me, show me outside of kink. 

Just breathe deep, calm down, and soak it in slowly. 

Crashing

I feel kind of miserable right now.

I feel like my flesh was ripped off and my body’s left out for air. Yeah. I feel that ridiculously naked and stripped. 

Sometimes I wonder why I let myself get into these situations. Especially when I knew all along this would happen. There are times when it feels I am destined to forever be alone because of my own doing.

My own denial.

I had my first rape scene today with my gentleman.  It was an absolute surprise, there wasn’t even a single hint of what was going on.  Even the labored breaths of my Lady did no justice to make me aware when I had called to confirm they were at the house.

At first, I thought of writing out the entire event, and disecting it from there, but. It’s a bit too personal, and I don’t really want to share it to the world as of yet. Plus, I am tired and lazy.

The surprise in itself was amazing, but, then after, there was a switch in my brain.  I had come after spending three, nearly four hours, standing in four inch heels waiting for an interview, only to get denied and wasting the entirety of my day.  I was kind of stressing out, and just wanting to sit and chit chat, because I was disappointed, annoyed, and not to mention financially stressed.   I… don’t know.  But I think those feelings carried into the scene, because I wasn’t enjoying myself as much as I should. Or as much as I usually get when my Gentleman teases me the way that he does.

When it comes to pain, I’m not a pain slut. I like it here and there, and I like certain types of pain. I enjoy the endorphins. But… I think I was nervous. I’m not an exhibitionist, and this was certainly something new. I smile and I laugh when I get nervous.  When I saw my Lady tied up, naked and squirming about, I could not help but smile. My Gentleman, wanting the scene to be authentic, did not care for that. 

The first thing that I can think of of something going wrong was the spanking. He hit me hard, and it was stingy, and I wanted to get away, and I couldn’t, so I was just kind of dancing around and taking it.  I was gagged, so I couldn’t say anything in regards to how we normally communicate.  And it hit me hard.  The scene continued, and I got my breather, and then he brought out the ‘switch.’ I call it that, but what it really is, is a modified arrow with the tip and feathers cut off. It hurts like a bitch, and I have marks/welts across my legs from it.  Makes a cool pattern, but getting them is not what I care for.

So, he used it on me, and… kept using it on me, again, I squirmed away and it was getting to be my overload. I was of course, gagged, so I could not communicate.  Not to mention because of all this squirming and being tied up the way that I was, I was losing feeling in my hands, and I could not communicate to him that it was going on. So that also was going on in my head. When he was done using the switch on me, I felt so close to the edge of tears.

Later, I was lowered and forced to suck him off. But in the midst of doing so, the rope we used was choking me and it freaked me out.  He removed it, which lowered my issues a bit, but he was so rough with wanting me to suck him off.  Gagging is NOT something I enjoy, and there are times I tolerate it because I get a break, it is usually for short blips.  This, was not something I was comfortable with. It had continued, and I already have inhibitions towards giving oral anyway. He gave me a break, and had my lady suck him off, and he returned and had me continue and then my germaphobia peaked.  It was then I boiled over and had to colour out. I was done.

All I could do was cry. It was… such a dark headspace, but felt so familiar. I couldn’t really talk and it took me a few minutes to actually calm down and get out of it. I curled up with my Gentleman when he came over as I sat on the couch recovering, and we talked about it.  I wasn’t really able to explain what it was except the things that caused it.  My Lady knew what happened, and first thing she asked was: Where did you go? I knew she meant mentally.  I didn’t go anywhere, but all it was was overwhelming… heaviness. I hate that feeling.  I never want to experience that again. 

It was our first time, and there’s still a lot of figuring out I need to do, I hold nothing against them. My Gentleman said we can try again with not as hard core a scene, and I think I would prefer that. The next time I am able, I think I might sit and chat with him a bit more and explain in detail as I can so he can possibly understand where I am coming from.  

Anonymously message me exactly what type of person you think I seem like from my Tumblr.

cuntbarf:

Oh, boy.

(Source: weheartswifties, via slooowly)

Squee!

Drag show tonight!

I can’t wait! Oh my, who knew I’d be this excited?